The Princess’s Nose

a children’s story by Nick Morgan (after Gogol)

Once upon a time there was a Princess.  Her name was Rose.  She was famous all over the world because everyone thought she was the most beautiful woman anywhere, ever.  Musicians sang songs about her beauty.  Poets wrote sonnets about her.  Sculptors and artists drove themselves insane trying to capture her beauty in works of art, as nothing they made, nothing they painted, nothing they drew could ever quite match the beauty of Princess Rose herself.

But despite her great beauty, Princess Rose was not happy.  At least three times every day she looked at herself in a large, golden mirror in her room.  And every time she looked at herself, she stared at her face in dismay.  For, while everyone else only saw beauty in her face, she could only see her nose.

“I hate my nose,” she used to say,

“it’s far too long,

it’s far too pointy,

it’s far too small at the top,

it’s far too bulbous at the bottom,

and its nostrils are far too big and yucky.”

 

One night as the Princess slept, her nose decided it had had enough of all this abuse.  At bedtime, Princess Rose had spent even longer than usual staring and prodding at her poor nose.  She’d called it all sorts of horrid names, like Scummy Sniffer, the Terrible Trunk and Super Schnozzle. The nose was upset. Maybe it really was ugly. Perhaps Princess Rose would be better off without it.

 

The nose decided it would go and seek its fortune by itself out in the big, wide world.  So it hopped off the Princess’s face and ran away, out of the castle, all the way through the castle grounds and off into the Royal Forest.

 

***

 

The following morning Princess Rose woke up and, as usual, went over to her large, golden mirror.  She hoped her nose wouldn’t look too horrid and bulbous this morning.  Still half-asleep she opened her eyes to look at herself in the mirror.  Hmm…..  Something was wrong with what she saw, but what?

Her hair was still looking lovely (she never suffered from bed-head hair) and its lovely thick, red locks cascaded over her shoulders.

Her dazzling green eyes were all sparkly and framed by her lovely, long eyelashes.

Her eyebrows were neat and even.

Her cheeks and chin were still elfin and elegant (her cheekbones were the envy of supermodels everywhere).

Her lips were like a small, precious rosebud.

Her nose… oh no!

Where was her nose?

 

In the middle of the Princess’s face, where her nose should have been was a flat, empty space. Her nose was gone!

 

In a panic, Princess Rose raised the alarm and very soon the whole castle was being turned upside down as every servant, every soldier and even the King and Queen themselves searched high and low for the Princess’s missing nose.

 

***

 

Meanwhile, the nose had been having a miserable time in the forest. It had made a bed for itself among the roots of an old oak tree, covering itself in leaves and acorns it had found there. However, before dawn it had been woken up very rudely by an angry squirrel who’d thought that the nose was trying to steal from her secret store of acorns.  The nose wandered through the forest all alone, lost and with no idea what to do next.  Whatever would become of it, a nose all alone in the world, it wondered?

Suddenly the nose heard a strange noise coming from not very far away in the forest, and so it wandered over to investigate.  As it got closer it was sure it could hear voices.  It found itself in a broad, green clearing.  A man and a woman were at the other side of it, and the woman was holding a film camera on her shoulder.  It was pointing at the man who was talking into it:

“…and we are here in the Royal Forest where we’re hoping to catch a glimpse of some of the many creatures who live here. If we’re lucky, maybe we’ll see some…. er….”

The man’s voice trailed off as he caught sight of the nose.

“Elaine, what on earth is that?” he asked, pointing to the nose.

“How amazing!” said Elaine, “It’s a nose, Rob, and what a beautiful one it is too. I wonder what it’s doing out here.”

Elaine and Rob went over to the nose to introduce themselves and the three of them soon became friends.  It turned out that Rob and Elaine were making a wildlife documentary for TV all about the Royal Forest, but as soon as they had seen the nose they forgot all about that.  They thought the nose was so unusual, so beautiful, so interesting and so elegant that they decided to make a programme about the nose instead.

 

***

 

The following weeks and months were an amazing time for the nose.  The documentary which Elaine and Rob had made about the nose was so popular that it was shown on the telly every night for a month.  Everyone was fascinated by the beautiful nose.  Newspaper cameramen followed the nose wherever it went.  The nose appeared on chat shows.  It was invited to be a celebrity guest on quiz shows.  Fashion designers made special hats and jewellery for the nose to wear.  The nose was seen in restaurants and at movie premieres with famous film stars. The nose even won Celebrity Big Brother by a landslide. It was a superstar.

 

***

 

The only place in the kingdom not to be gripped by this media frenzy over the nose was the Royal Palace. They were still in the midst of their very own nose frenzy, still searching frantically for it, but everyone in the palace was sworn to secrecy.  If the news ever got out that the Kingdom’s most beautiful treasure, Princess Rose, was going around without a nose, the King and Queen could simply not bear the shame.  So obsessed was the Royal household with their search for the lost nose that they hadn’t paid attention to anything else which was happening in their Kingdom.  However, the quest for the nose would have to stop for at least one day.  Every year on the Queen’s birthday the King and Queen threw a party in the Grand Hall of the Royal Palace.  The great day was coming up, and the King and Queen couldn’t cancel the party without awkward questions being asked.

 

***

 

The day of the party came. From late in the afternoon, celebrities started to arrive. Princess Rose hid in her room, too ashamed to be seen in public without a nose.

Of course, the nose hadn’t been invited to the party as nobody in the Palace knew of its new-found fame.  However, the captain of the Kingdom’s football team had invited the nose to go to the party with him.  The nose arrived in style in a white stretch-limo and walked up the red carpet with the football captain into the Royal Palace.  How strange, thought the nose, to be coming home to the Palace like this, having left in such misery all those months ago.

***

It was a wonderful party. Seven of the top bands in the country provided the music and the nose was on the dance floor for most of the evening. It danced with pop stars and politicians. It danced with footballers and film stars. It danced with athletes and actors, professors and Princes. Everyone but everyone wanted to be seen dancing with the beautiful, famous nose.

At midnight the King and Queen took to the stage to cut the birthday cake, give the Queen the bumps and make their ‘thank you’ speech.  When they had finished, handsome Prince Oscar (from the Kingdom next door) leapt up to take the microphone.

“Your Majesties, ladies and gentlemen,” said the Prince, “tonight is a very special night.  Not only have we been celebrating Her Majesty’s birthday, we have all been admiring the greatest beauty her Kingdom has to offer.”

The guests applauded. Some whooped and whistled.

The King and Queen were puzzled.  Princess Rose had stayed safely upstairs out of sight all evening, hadn’t she?  Surely Prince Oscar was mistaken?

“So I was wondering,” continued the Prince, “whether I might have the pleasure of the last dance of the evening with this truly wonderful beauty?”

A spotlight was turned onto the dance floor.  The spotlight wiggled and jiggled around, as if searching, then came to a sudden stop.  Caught in the middle of the spotlight was… the nose!  The other guests applauded as the nose hopped up onto the stage to join Prince Oscar.

“NO!” shouted the Queen.  The room fell silent.  “Everyone knows that Princess Rose is the most beautiful in the Kingdom!”

“Oh no she isn’t!” cried the guests.

The King and Queen were struck dumb.

 

***

 

High above the Grand Hall, Princess Rose had been watching through a secret panel in the ceiling.  Her heart had leapt when she had seen her nose, caught in the spotlight.  She had immediately started running down through the castle towards the dance floor, so no sooner had the nose and Prince Oscar started to dance, than they were interrupted by the great doors at the back of the Hall being flung open with a crash. Princess Rose charged across the room to the stage, pushing the assembled celebrities aside in her rush to reach her nose.

Princess Rose climbed onto the stage. The guests gasped as they saw the Princess with a flat, empty space in the middle of her face where her nose should have been.

“Oh nose, my precious nose!” she cried, “I’ve missed you so much.  I’m so sorry I said such awful things about you.  Without you, I’m not beautiful.  I really need you.  Please come home.”

The nose paused.  What should it do?  It had enjoyed its adventure enormously.  How wonderful it had been to have had all the attention to itself, rather than being merely one part of a beautiful Princess.  Could it really give all that fame up?

 

***

 

Six months had passed by.

Every day, the Princess still admired herself in her large, golden mirror.

Her red hair still cascaded over her shoulders.

Her green eyes, framed in their lovely long eyelashes still sparkled.

Her elegant, elfin cheeks and chin were still as cute as ever.

Her eyebrows were trim and neat as usual.

Her rosebud lips were still the most kissable in the land.

And her nose… her lovely nose sat where it belonged…

 

most of the time, anyway.

You see, Princess Rose and her nose had agreed on a compromise.

The nose had indeed returned to where it belonged, on the Princess’s face.

At least, that is what the nose did during the week, but every weekend it went off to continue its solo career as a superstar.

And after all, it was still going out with lush Prince Oscar.

 

THE END