I hereby present your MyArse-Bloggs Enemagram Horoscope for a sunny, summer’s Saturday:

Canker:

A stranger may offer you a chocolate finger which leads to a misunderstanding. A cat-related opportunity beckons. Beware mauve.

Scorchio:

You would be wise to take an umbrella today, but not for rain. A Russian will need it. Steer clear of a hopping man (he’s just showing off).

Virmin:

Expect unexpected gifts & relish the paradox. Replace the batteries in the TV remote to avoid a pet’s death. Be coy.

Saggyfairydust:

Avoid tangling with a man with a stick. Or it may be fruit (depending on your answer to Q94 on the test which was there for exactly this eventuality). Best stay in bed.

Caprisun:

Watch out for that weak ankle of yours. A chance listening to Radio 3 inspires delusions of grandeur. Shun joggers.

Gemmasknee:

Not a good day for baking. Or banking (they’re probably closed by the time you get there). Go to IKEA to berate the meatballs.

Hairies:

An investment pays off today but the dog is unimpressed. Avoid blue food. You will regret not shaving at half time.

Leighsbra:

A romantic opportunity turns sour. Your lucky number is Pi (but only to the first 4 decimal places). Brace yourself: that box he’s passing you is heavier than it looks. Oof!

Tornhusk:

A hard choice today. Take the right one and receive adulation. The other way ends in a fight involving hosiery. Something orange spells encouragement.

Aquariums:

You will renew acquaintance with a stranger you knew 2 mins ago. A castle isn’t following you: that’s just paranoia.

Pie-teas:

Reach far down the sofa to find treasure and long-lost food. Wear gloves. If you can smell fish, don’t worry: it’s not you.

Lee? Oh:

Plans to mow the lawn may have to be shelved as you over-empathise with the grass. That codeine was a mistake.